My Bupropion doesn't seem to be working lately. For those of you who are terminally in a good mood, Bupropion is just one of many anti-depressants on the market. Heck, I don't know why I take it. I suppose that it's because it helps me deal with the fact that I just let seven continents full of people know that I take an anti-depressant. That's the bane of the blog world, I suppose. Perhaps it's because I was born without certain chemicals in the brain. I'm not sure. But I do know that I've felt predisposed towards depression for a better part of my life.
Did I have some epiphany about my depression that I felt compelled to share? Somewhat. I'll share it here in a bit. But I've felt this overall "haze" lately, for want of a better word. To me, it feels like a "gnawing" for something that, because it's not realized, makes me feel like something's missing. And because I can't pinpoint what it is, I tend to feel a bit bummed.
Since deciding to head back to Ohio, I feel as though a chapter in my life, namely my working life, is about to close. And, it might also be because in another year, I'll be hitting the big 5-0. Regardless of the reason, I find myself taking stock in my accomplishments. Or better put, what I've yet to accomplish.
Have you ever tried to truly size up what's really important to you? I'm finding myself in that frame of mind lately. I've been trying to isolate the things that give me joy and then really trying to capitalize on them. But, since a guy can only drink so many cans of Dale's Pale Ale without having to head to an AA meeting, I'm trying to look beyond my love of fine hand-crafted beers. What give me joy? And if I know what they are, what can I change so that obtaining them will help obliterate the feeling of being "bummed out".
I had a revelation the other day, and I believe it's something I've been feeling for the past couple of years. I'm never going to have children. And I think the joy that I see other people experiencing regarding their children makes me...a bit sad. Honestly, I've never given children a whole lot of thought. I was generally too busy trying to get to the next biggest radio market. And since Donna is unable to have any more children, it never occupied a good deal of my thought. Except for the past couple of months. So what do I do about that?
My unqualified psychological expertise tells me that I should look at expounding upon these other things that give me joy. Funny, though, most of the things that give me joy are long, sometimes un-approachable journeys towards bitter irony. Baseball gives me joy; yet, the Cleveland Indians have just experienced their biggest "fire sale" since 2001. Things of a spiritual nature give me satisfaction; however, doing zazen in order to find more meaning about myself is a long, arduous experience...plus, the Zen masters would be very upset with me for thinking that I can "get something" from zazen, anyway. Music has always been very important to me; But, knowing a D minor chord and a couple others does not make me ready to get a recording contract. And whatever Deity is up there knows that I love what I do for a living; however, "hanging ones' hat" on their career in totality makes for....well, it make for one to eventually have to succumb to taking Bupropion.
Oh, there are other things that propel me towards some feeling of nirvana. I love spending time with my wife and I really enjoy my family. I dig movies, riding my scooter, shanking golf balls, and reading on my Kindle. But these big, large, looming questions that tend to foster so much existential angst are the ones that shake me to my core and prompt me to feel...queasy...about what to do next. This angst makes me feel inferior and contributes towards this feeling that even people posting on Facebook seem to have alot more going for them...than I do.
I remember reading an article about Henry Rollins. The interviewer asked him about his thoughts on people in general and Rollins basically said that we are people who take too many anti-depressants....that we're people who are too quick to "blame" something on outside circumstances and not on our own inabilities to deal and cope. I remember him saying, "the best medicine is to get your ass to a gym. You can learn alot about coping and about yourself after a kick-ass workout." Maybe that's the key. Not dwelling on the big things or ceaselessly worrying about how to fix them, understand them, pry them apart and put them back together again.
So, that's what I've been trying to do. Just like the title says, "onward through the fog". Pop my little pill and try to find small victories in small things. Landing a new client-station. Admiring a Tribe victory even when they're 11 games out of first. Enjoy sharing a Lagunitas Hop Stoopid with my neighbor Pat. Trucking up and down the aisles at Target with Donna while she searches for the right bird feeder. Confront. Accept. Enjoy. And get my ass to the gym.
* Why not grab your favorite beverage, cop a squat, and groove to some DEMOS at www.mattmultimedia.com