Saturday, August 1, 2009

A Reading from the Letter of Matthew to the Earthlings...

Brothers and Sisters...

I greet you in the name of good cheer and wholesome blessings, both of which, I hope, continue to multiply in abundance for days to come. But I beseech you and I ask most inquisitively: what the heck is going on?

Why is everyone doing existential back-flips over the fact that Barack Obama cracked open a few beers at the White House with Gates and Crowley? I'm more incensed that it was Bud Lite and not something from, say, Clipper City!

Why do the Cleveland Indians feel it necessary to dispose of another Cy Young award-winner for the second year in a row? And why did they also have to throw Ben Francisco in the deal, all for some single-A players, one of which is a pitcher on the DL with a sore shoulder?

Why do raccoons have to like my garbage so much? Try greeting your morning by cleaning up last night's ribs all over the driveway and tell me how you like it!

Don't complain about the $9.00 beer if you're still willing to pay the $45.00 ticket.

Show some restraint! Just because both of us are in line waiting to buy bagels at Panera Bread doesn't mean that both of us want to listen to your inane cell phone conversation. And get an ear-piece that doesn't look like something that came off the Millennium Falcon!

Why is a government-run health-care option such a frightening consequence? The existence of the United States Postal Service doesn't hinder you in any way from still using Fed Ex! And why can't doctors take a pay cut like the rest of us who still have jobs? 40 bucks for you to tell me to come back and see you in 3 months? That's a good gig if you can get it.

Which is smaller: the airline seat in the "coach" section or the seat in the upper deck?

Is there a supplication that exists that can appease the computer gods on a consistent basis so that they don't inflict their wrath on your laptop at the seemingly most inopportune times? And when did the Geek Squad start charging you before they actually do the diagnostic?

Why does a game require a "color commentator"? Vin Scully has been doing Dodgers games for 60 years and he doesn't need one.

Can the question "Do you need some change back with that" be permanently eliminated from the waiter/waitress lexicon?

After all this time, do we still need to be prompted to "leave your message at the tone"?

Who, besides Congress, gets a month off for vacation? And how do the rest of us "go into recess"?

If no Cleveland team wins a championship in my lifetime, do I get bonus points in the Afterlife?

Besides my wife, is there a more voluptuous woman on the planet than Robin Meade?

Will Glenn Beck just please shut up!?

Is there anything more delightful than the first sip of coffee in the morning?

As the answers to these and other formidable questions struggle to make themselves apparent, I remain yours, in harmony and at one with the rise and fall of the 10,000 things....and on the continual search for my broom so I can, once again, clean up the driveway!


* Why not grab your favorite beverage, cop a squat, and groove to some DEMOS at

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